NHL Franchise Boys

In recent days the NHL world became aware of the existence of Malkin Crosby Long, a young Pittsburgh Penguins superfan named after two franchise greats.

It’s a cute story about the strength of fandom, but it’s also a premise that’s poorly executed upon. Malkin Crosby just doesn’t pass muster as a name despite its good intentions. As a result, Puck Daddy decided to provide the best superfan names for your children made from combining the last names of players on each team.

If you must name your child to honor your favorite hockey team, here’s how you do it:

Anaheim Ducks – Manson Silfverberg

Silfvervberg is too cool a last name to pass up here and Manson has plausibility as a first name with a touch of absurdity to boot.

Arizona Coyotes – Rieder Perlini

Rieder looks like a bad misspelling of an already-unforgivable first name while Perlini sounds like someone failing to improvise a type of pasta. Together? Magic.

Boston Bruins – Spooner McQuaid

Spooner McQuaid seems like a tragically unsuccessful outlaw in the Old West. This name could help your child get cast for a minor role in Westworld.

Buffalo Sabres – Baptiste Fedun

This name has the kind of cultural ambiguity that will make people more interested in your kid, even if that interest is unwarranted.

Calgary Flames – Glass Stone

With this pair of nouns you can make those around you wonder if you even understand the concept of names. That has to be a bonus.

Carolina Hurricanes – Skinner Slavin

With this assassin/boxer name people will leave your kid alone on the playground.

Chicago Blackhawks – Bouma Wingels

Realistically, anything with Wingels is good.

Colorado Avalanche – Compher Kerfoot

Nothing like presenting every person who ever meets your offspring with an intermediate-level tongue twister.

Columbus Blue Jackets – Sedlak Jenner

The Jenner name is worth something nowadays, so why not slap it on your kid with a little Eastern European spice to boot.

Dallas Stars – Benn Johns

This sounds just off in every direction which makes it perfect.

Detroit Red Wings – Green Frk

This name sounds like a classification of Frk which could be animal, mineral, or vegetable.

Edmonton Oilers – Nurse Malone

Naming a child after a profession gives them a real sense of purpose, while the name Malone gives them the out to be a gangster if nursing doesn’t suit them.

Florida Panthers – Weegar Malgin

Definitely some kind of alien ambassador.

Los Angeles Kings – Quick Forbort

This one sounds like an oxymoron. A Forbot certainly doesn’t sound quick.

Minnesota Wild – Spurgeon Dumba

Dumba has to be in there and Spurgeon is close enough to sturgeon to sound disturbing as a first name.

Montreal Canadiens – Schlemko Scherbak

It’s got a ring to it. Not a good ring per se, but a ring.

Nashville Predators – Josi Salomaki

If you squint hard enough it looks like it could be a kind of sushi, which is really all you can ask for in a novelty name.

New Jersey Devils – Wood Butcher

This kid is going to wear a lot of plaid and make his living in the forest.

New York Islanders – Prince Nelson

Whether it refers to  a wrestling move or a member of a royal family, Prince Nelson is a solid option.

New York Rangers – Holden Fast

Holden Fast would be a stubborn, unyielding sort and those are arguably good qualities. Arguably.

Ottawa Senators – Dzingel Oduya

Dzingel Oduya seems like an exceedingly ill-advised character name in an unpublished sci-fi novel. But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be a good fit for your kid!

Philadelphia Flyers – Hagg Raffl

No one wants to participate in a contest where they have a chance to win old crones, but they might want to meet someone named after one.

Pittsburgh Penguins – Rust McKegg

While Malkin Crosby just sounds silly, Rust McKegg sounds dignified and powerful … and silly.

San Jose Sharks – Heed Burns

Why not make your kid a human PSA? Burns can’t be ignored, they need to be heeded.

St. Louis Blue – Sundqvist Bortuzzo

Sundqvist Bortuzzo almost sounds sophisticated. The key here is “almost.”

Tampa Bay Lightning – Point Johnson

As if Point Johnson isn’t going to be a great hockey player. Make it pre-ordained.

Toronto Maple Leafs – Borgman Rielly

Borgman is a fantastic first name and there’s huge bonus points for the name sounding so much like Morgan Rielly.

Vancouver Canucks – Gaunce Biega

Gaunce sounds like a hit man/globetrotting professional poker player. That’s what everyone wants for their kid. Right?

Vegas Golden Knights – Stoner Hunt

It’s never too early to decide where your child stands on the War on Drugs.

Washington Capitals – Beagle O’Brien

Crime solving dogs never get old, nor do names that sound like they belong to them.

Winnipeg Jets – Little Wheeler

Eventually your kid might be big, but that’s a problem for future you.