NHL Franchise Boys

The​ Tampa Bay​ Lightning already clinched a playoff berth as they keep​ rolling over the league and​ remain​ on​ pace to​ challenge​ the all-time records for wins​​ and points in a season. It’s probably fair to start asking: Can anyone beat these guys? Or should we just save everyone the trouble and hand them the Stanley Cup right now?

It’s tempting to consider a Tampa championship inevitable. But that’s no fun, so today let’s run through some of the teams that could find themselves facing the Lightning in the playoffs and come up with a reason that they could actually pull off the upset.

Toronto Maple Leafs – Would only play the Lightning after getting past the Bruins, which would mean the league had already changed the rules so that giving up more goals than you score means you win.

Columbus Blue Jackets – Weirdly haven’t turned into some sort of unbeatable juggernaut after executing on their strategy of “be really average and then load up on players from the worst team in the league” but there’s still time.

New York Islanders – If you squint a little bit then Lightning bedsheets look a lot like Maple Leaf bedsheets and those basically turn the Islanders into the 1979 Canadiens.

Carolina Hurricanes – The Hurricanes are far more dangerous, hit more frequently and are more likely to sustain an attack for a full 60 minutes than the Lightning according to this scouting report I found, although now that I look a bit closer it actually appears to a meteorology report.

Pittsburgh Penguins – Could throw out a blueline pairing of Jack Johnson and Erik Gudbransson, which could give the Lightning all sorts of trouble because they’d feel sorry for them.

A Western Conference team – While the Lighting might seem like an overwhelming favorite in any Stanley Cup final matchup, the analytics guys will tell you that from a purely mathematical standpoint it’s actually not inconceivable that the other team will show up anyway.

Washington Capitals – Actually beat the Lightning in a seven-game classic last year and could probably learn from that once they sobered up enough to remember anything that happened last spring.

Boston Bruins – May have lost meekly in five games in their matchup last season, but that was a year ago and this time the Lightning are way better and healthy and you know what I forget where I was going with this.

No one told the rookie about the hot dogs.

Then again, maybe Stiles Burr should’ve known better. Steamed and served in the press lounge at Montreal’s Bell Centre, these chiens chauds are wildly popular among NHL circles, not only devoured by hungry scribes, scouts and scratches during intermission but also by visiting teams as a delicious postgame snack (it’s all about the toasted bun).

But this was Burr’s first trip to Montreal as the Florida Panthers’ new manager of team services. And he ordered pizza. “Players were just in shock,” Burr says. “One guy was like, ‘I’ve never not had hot dogs after a game here.’”

Even in this grass-fed, farm-raised, gluten-free sports world, there is still a special place for the simple pleasures of junk food inside NHL locker rooms. Between packing up their gear, working out, receiving medical treatment, showering, dressing and bussing to the airport, players don’t have time for a full postgame meal until after boarding the plane. But hot dogs and pizza offer quick—and, perhaps more importantly, portable—calories. “When we went to Canada it was always Harvey’s Burgers,” says Panthers coach Bob Boughner, the ex-enforcer of 11 seasons. “That’s what we always cheated on. We cheated a lot more than these guys ever cheat now, back in the day.”

Turns out the guys cheat plenty nowadays, too. Indeed, it would be a waste to visit all those great cities on the league circuit and not sample the local cuisine. Like cheesesteaks in Philadelphia. Or wings in Buffalo. “Usually we’re finishing off a road trip in L.A. or Anaheim, so we end up getting In-N-Out after the game,” says Toronto’s Auston Matthews. “It’s a little treat.”

When the Nashville Predators roll through California, odds are that one day they’ll come off the ice to find a surprise spread of some 50 double-cheeseburgers and hamburgers, and 50 orders of fries. Occasionally the team enjoys more involved options at the rink, like St. Louis toasted ravioli or Vancouver sushi. Equally common, though, are platters of wings from Anchor Bar or a couple greasy New York pies. “Pizza is a hot topic for us,” manager of hockey operations Brandon Walker says. “One thing that always pisses the guys off is if it’s cut into squares as opposed to slices.”

Seeing as great barbeque is available all over the team’s home city, Nashville doesn’t bother indulging on road trips. The same could not be said of the Florida Panthers earlier this season, when a few players were so tempted by the post-practice Dinosaur BBQ buffet of ribs, brisket, cheesy mac and cornbread in New Jersey that they loaded plates while still wearing their skates. Similarly, on the recommendation of former Blues winger T.J. Oshie, the Stanley Cup–champion Capitals crush Sugarfire Smokehouse if the schedule allows in St. Louis. Dallas captain Jamie Benn holds a sweet spot for “skillet cookies in Denver,” while Minnesota center Eric Staal enjoys trips across the border, if only for Mr. Big candy bars and ketchup chips. “Out in Vancouver, they usually leave us some beef jerky,” Staal says. “Then the hot dogs in Montreal …”

Ah, yes. The famous franks. Just ask Roberto Luongo. As it happens, he was also the Panthers goalie on the night of Burr’s grave omission in November 2016, backstopping a thrilling overtime win against the Canadiens and then bounding into the locker room, salivating over those toasted buns. After getting caught up to speed, Burr tried to place a rush order but the press room had ran out. Fortunately for everyone involved—especially considering that Florida and Montreal both compete in the same division—Burr has learned his lesson. Now he makes sure 100 hot dogs are delivered halfway during the third period. Just in case Luongo and the other players want to get a head start.