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A guide to naming your children: NHL edition

11 November, 2017 (09:19) | HOCKEY TALK | By: Nick

In recent days the NHL world became aware of the existence of Malkin Crosby Long, a young Pittsburgh Penguins superfan named after two franchise greats.

It’s a cute story about the strength of fandom, but it’s also a premise that’s poorly executed upon. Malkin Crosby just doesn’t pass muster as a name despite its good intentions. As a result, Puck Daddy decided to provide the best superfan names for your children made from combining the last names of players on each team.

If you must name your child to honor your favorite hockey team, here’s how you do it:

Anaheim Ducks – Manson Silfverberg

Silfvervberg is too cool a last name to pass up here and Manson has plausibility as a first name with a touch of absurdity to boot.

Arizona Coyotes – Rieder Perlini

Rieder looks like a bad misspelling of an already-unforgivable first name while Perlini sounds like someone failing to improvise a type of pasta. Together? Magic.

Boston Bruins – Spooner McQuaid

Spooner McQuaid seems like a tragically unsuccessful outlaw in the Old West. This name could help your child get cast for a minor role in Westworld.

Buffalo Sabres – Baptiste Fedun

This name has the kind of cultural ambiguity that will make people more interested in your kid, even if that interest is unwarranted.

Calgary Flames – Glass Stone

With this pair of nouns you can make those around you wonder if you even understand the concept of names. That has to be a bonus.

Carolina Hurricanes – Skinner Slavin

With this assassin/boxer name people will leave your kid alone on the playground.

Chicago Blackhawks – Bouma Wingels

Realistically, anything with Wingels is good.

Colorado Avalanche – Compher Kerfoot

Nothing like presenting every person who ever meets your offspring with an intermediate-level tongue twister.

Columbus Blue Jackets – Sedlak Jenner

The Jenner name is worth something nowadays, so why not slap it on your kid with a little Eastern European spice to boot.

Dallas Stars – Benn Johns

This sounds just off in every direction which makes it perfect.

Detroit Red Wings – Green Frk

This name sounds like a classification of Frk which could be animal, mineral, or vegetable.

Edmonton Oilers – Nurse Malone

Naming a child after a profession gives them a real sense of purpose, while the name Malone gives them the out to be a gangster if nursing doesn’t suit them.

Florida Panthers – Weegar Malgin

Definitely some kind of alien ambassador.

Los Angeles Kings – Quick Forbort

This one sounds like an oxymoron. A Forbot certainly doesn’t sound quick.

Minnesota Wild – Spurgeon Dumba

Dumba has to be in there and Spurgeon is close enough to sturgeon to sound disturbing as a first name.

Montreal Canadiens – Schlemko Scherbak

It’s got a ring to it. Not a good ring per se, but a ring.

Nashville Predators – Josi Salomaki

If you squint hard enough it looks like it could be a kind of sushi, which is really all you can ask for in a novelty name.

New Jersey Devils – Wood Butcher

This kid is going to wear a lot of plaid and make his living in the forest.

New York Islanders – Prince Nelson

Whether it refers to  a wrestling move or a member of a royal family, Prince Nelson is a solid option.

New York Rangers – Holden Fast

Holden Fast would be a stubborn, unyielding sort and those are arguably good qualities. Arguably.

Ottawa Senators – Dzingel Oduya

Dzingel Oduya seems like an exceedingly ill-advised character name in an unpublished sci-fi novel. But that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be a good fit for your kid!

Philadelphia Flyers – Hagg Raffl

No one wants to participate in a contest where they have a chance to win old crones, but they might want to meet someone named after one.

Pittsburgh Penguins – Rust McKegg

While Malkin Crosby just sounds silly, Rust McKegg sounds dignified and powerful … and silly.

San Jose Sharks – Heed Burns

Why not make your kid a human PSA? Burns can’t be ignored, they need to be heeded.

St. Louis Blue – Sundqvist Bortuzzo

Sundqvist Bortuzzo almost sounds sophisticated. The key here is “almost.”

Tampa Bay Lightning – Point Johnson

As if Point Johnson isn’t going to be a great hockey player. Make it pre-ordained.

Toronto Maple Leafs – Borgman Rielly

Borgman is a fantastic first name and there’s huge bonus points for the name sounding so much like Morgan Rielly.

Vancouver Canucks – Gaunce Biega

Gaunce sounds like a hit man/globetrotting professional poker player. That’s what everyone wants for their kid. Right?

Vegas Golden Knights – Stoner Hunt

It’s never too early to decide where your child stands on the War on Drugs.

Washington Capitals – Beagle O’Brien

Crime solving dogs never get old, nor do names that sound like they belong to them.

Winnipeg Jets – Little Wheeler

Eventually your kid might be big, but that’s a problem for future you.

 

Habs’ Loss is Blue Jackets’ Gain

5 November, 2017 (10:25) | HOCKEY TALK | By: Nick

Columbus Signs Max Fortier To Entry-Level Deal

An in-season free agent signing, particularly of a junior player, is rare. However, when it comes to a player with the ability and pedigree of Maxime Fortier, it comes as no surprise. The QMJHL’s Halifax Mooseheads have announced that their captain has signed an entry-level deal with the Columbus Blue Jackets. While Columbus has yet to make the official announcement, thus leaving the salary terms unknown for the time being, the contract will be for three years and should finally give Fortier the shot at the pros that he has earned.

Passed over in the NHL draft twice and having left Montreal Canadiens camp without a contract in each of the past two years, Fortier’s production in juniors has finally become too impressive to ignore, even in light of his size concerns and lack of any defensive game. Fortier, now in his fifth season with Halifax at the age of 20, erupted on to the scene in the QMJHL in 2015-16, when he doubled his point total from the previous season, notching 77 points in 68 games. That production increased again last season, jumping to 87 points in 68 games and a point-per-game performance in the playoffs. To begin the 2017-18 season, Fortier already has 27 points in 18 games, on pace for a whopping 102 points if he plays 68 games again. Perhaps even more impressive is that Fortier is a +12 thus far, a positive player for the first time in his junior career. Fortier is taking steps toward becoming a true NHL-caliber player and it would be no shock if the other 30 NHL teams are looking back in frustration at the many times they missed out on Fortier as he blossoms into a star in Columbus.

However, that future is still a ways away. Halifax was clear in their team release that Fortier will remain with the team for the remainder of the season, skating alongside top 2018 draft hopefuls Jared McIsaacFilip Zadinaand Benoit-Olivier Groulx on a team that plans to contend for a QMJHL title. They also made mention that Fortier is likely to begin his pro career with the AHL’s Cleveland Monsters and, considering his need to develop a more well-rounded game, especially against bigger, stronger competition, it seems likely that Fortier could spent ample time in the minors before making his NHL debut in a couple of years. Still, Fortier’s offensive prowess makes him a player to watch in seasons to come and potentially franchise-altering move by the Blue Jackets.

Safe is Death

20 October, 2017 (21:05) | HOCKEY TALK | By: Nick